Let me start by asking six simple questions:

1) How many parents think their child is getting too much playing time for their team?
2) How many parents think their child is getting too little playing time for their team?
3) How many parents think their child is getting too much recognition for their athletic performance?
4) How many parents think their child is not getting enough recognition for their athletic performance.
5) How many parents think their child is getting too much coaching from their team’s coaches?
6) How many parents think their child is not getting enough coaching from their team’s coaches?

If you live in the same world I live in, the answers to questions 2, 4 and 6 are astronomically higher than the answers to questions 1, 3 and 5. In the same way that our ego can create blind spots in our vision of ourselves, raising a child more often than not causes blind spots in how we view them. Part of this is the evolutionary process at work, as we need to protect them when they are young to enable them to grow and thrive. But it is just as important to gradually loosen the reins as they begin to grow and mature.

Certainly by the time most children are entering high school (if you want your child to reach their potential) it is time to move from being the controlling protectorate when they have problems, to the role of a supportive advisor. Failing to do so will not only slow your child’s development, but it will also rob them of their self-respect and lower their self-esteem.

In my role as a parent and as a performance specialist, I have seen that children are much better prepared for life when they are allowed to fight their own battles. The experience they gain, regardless of whether they win or lose these battles, will help them moving forward. Parent’s well intentions are no excuse for getting in the way of their children’s opportunities for growth and personal development.

Most parents I know hate it when their children make excuses for their actions or inactions. Many of these same parents however, don’t hesitate to make excuses for their children when their children’s effort, accountability, or performance comes up short. Modeling behavior is among the most important aspects of parenting, so next time you are frustrated when your child is full of excuses, you may want to look in the mirror to see where they learned that behavior. I always tell my clients that it is much easier to move from failures to success than it is to move from excuses to success.

You are probably assuming most of these problems happen with the parents of younger children, but I have declined to work with several adult professional athletes and a few college athletes because of their parents need for involvement in the process. I have also been forced to jettison a few clients because their parents were too much of a hindrance to the work I was performing with their children. A big part of their development with me is learning to be accountable and you can’t be accountable for your actions when your parents are still hovering over you like you’re a baby in a crib.

Very few coaches I know, at any level, are immune to the problem of over-involved parents, though most learn ways to lessen overbearing parent’s impact. Few parents realize their need to be involved causes their child more, not less stress and often hinders their performance. Most parents, meaning well, tell their children something along the lines of ‘good luck’ or ‘go get ‘em’ before their competitions. I suggest you try something along the lines of what I tell my athletes: ‘have fun.’ You may be surprised to learn that there is a big difference in how an athlete experiences those words, as they relieve rather than add pressure. When an athlete focuses on having fun it enables them to perform at their maximum level and learn to trust their preparation on competition days.

You can follow Sam on Twitter: @SuperTaoInc

Posted in The Mind Side Blog