In my two previous entries on parenting I focused on the importance of modeling and teaching children patience and self-control followed by the necessity for parents to challenge their children and allow them to fail. In this one my focus will be on interacting with your children in ways that will benefit them intellectually. Some of the suggestions that follow will strike many of you as obvious, but hopefully there will be something of use for everyone.

Before I start with my suggestions, I want to give a warning about the media and fads. Most things that receive media hype are more about being first to report a new finding and less about actual worth of the new “discovery.” Many of you will remember not too long ago when you could not bring up a browser or turn on your television without hearing the virtues of having your baby (or even fetus) listen to Mozart to make it smarter. Despite efforts to confirm these effects there is still no evidence it has any merit at all. Likewise Baby Einstein educational toys were said to increase intelligence and creativity, yet they are just as likely to cause passivity as they are to encourage exploration.

Now here are a few proven suggestions. Do not dumb down your conversations when talking to your children. Using high-level vocabulary with them and including them in adult conversations has been shown to both speed and enhance their development. As Haim Ginott, who pioneered techniques for conversing with children said, “Treat children as though they are already the people they are capable of becoming.”

I believe there are two types of families, those who keep a dictionary at the dinner table and those who do not. Teach your children how to use a dictionary as soon as they are able, and letting them see you use it will create a natural curiosity for knowledge in them.

Read to your child and talk to them about what you are reading. Ask them questions periodically as you are reading to them about what they think is happening or going to happen etc. Eventually ask more complex questions about what they would do if what you are reading about happened to them? Create a bed time routine that concludes with some reading.

Make sure you balance punishment with warmth. A study of families in Kansas found vast differences in various socio-economic groups. Most notably the families of professional’s children received on average just over six encouragements for each reprimand received. Working class family’s children received two encouragements per reprimand. While families of welfare recipients received just over two reprimands per encouragement. That means by the time these children are three years old the professional’s child has received 500,000 encouragements and 80,000 discouragements, while the welfare child has received 200,000 discouragements and 75,000 encouragements. No wonder there is such an achievement gap between classes when you look at it that way.

Finally, be very careful in giving incentives or prizes to children for doing things, especially things that are intrinsically rewarding. Even nursery school aged children lose interest in playing with their favorite toy if a reward is offered to them for playing with it. Despite being that young of an age they get the subconscious message that if you need to give them something to play with it, it must not be as fun to play with as they thought. It essentially turns play into work for them.

As Plato said, “Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.” If you are going to give children something, let it be your time and wisdom, not rewards.

Posted in The Mind Side Blog